I Am Not A Reliable Narrator

31 March 2008

First Kiss

I've been feeling nostalgic lately (although, seriously, when am I not nostalgic? Never! To quote my favorite character from one of my favorite movies, "I'm nostalgic for things that haven't even happened yet." (Max, Kicking and Screaming)) anyhow I h ad a dream about a former friend the other night. We ran into each other in a random London Boutique. She was looking very suave and put together, I do not remember how my dream self looked. As a result of this dream I've been doing mad google searches for said friend (sans results) and I've also just been thinking of days gone by in general. And somehow just now I started to think of my first real kiss with the first boy I properly dated.

Not the boy who took me to Homecoming Junior year because (a) we did not kiss and (b) he totally caught the gay after he got out of Port Huron. Probably he caught the gay long before that and just didn't know how to let people in on it. Port Huron, shockingly, did not (and possibly still does not, if I'm basing my judgement on the high number of Ron Paul signs I saw there in November) have the most open and liberal of atmospheres. And not the boy I frenched in the back of Amy Roche's garage on a dare because I was 10 and that was gross, and also not the boy who gave me a very dry lipped peck under a sprig of mistletoe Freshman year because that kis held about as much sexual longing as a kiss from your cousin (your non-incestuous cousin that is).

So anyhow, Homecoming '93 and other misc kisses aside, I did not start dating until I was 17 years old. The first boy I dated was the 20 year old manager of the movie theater that my friends worked (a movie theater I was not allowed to go to without resorting subterfuge for its first few years of existence because it was the greatest of all evils, NON UNION!). They sort of set us up after I admitted I thought he was cute (and seriously if I had like the one photo of him on hand to scan you would be all like, what is it about large headed prematurely balding 20 year old Duran Duran fansis it that you liked so much Carolyn? And I would have no answer for you except that I was a foolish foolish girl). On our first date we went to see the movie classic Speed together. My friends mad approximately 4 checks of the theater thermostat during the movie and he held my hand.

Afterwards we went to the Super K to look at CDs (because it was open late) and we may have gone for coffee at Denny's, but we definitely ended up walking along the St Clair River with it's scenic views of the Dow Chemical Plant in Sarnia, Ontario. He smoked a cigarette, we talked about politics (he was a republican, I was firmly not a republican, just an idiot) and finally he turned to face me and took my hands in his and said, "Are your hands as cold as mine?"
And, ever the romantic, I replied, "No, but I think you want them to be." Because seriously my hands were toaty warm in the pockets of my faux fur lined black plaid trench coat.

He laughed despite my poor form and kissed me. It was not nearly so bad as that time in the back of Amy Roche's garage. It was pretty nice really. Kissing tasted like a mix of cigarettes and peppermint gum and our lips were cold. The factory lights across the river twinkled and really, despite all my sarcasm it was a fairly roomantic moment.

We dated for 3 more months until my friends discovered he'd been doing it with his ex and some girl from a party he went to the whole time we were going out. Not that he ever made any claims to being exclusive but he also never said anything about seeing other people. It was a shaky situation for awhile because my friends all still worked at the theater so I had reason to hang out there fairly often. Luckily the other managers felt bad for me because he'd been such a cad so I still got to see free movies even when I was with non-theater friends. And he ended up moving to Holland, Mi after a few months so I didn't have to worry about run ins so much. So over all, this story has a happy ending I think.

As far as first kiss stories go, I think it's pretty good. Not perfect or anything, but just awkward enough to be sweet without being cloying.

How about you, oh great nebulous internet readers? What was your first kiss like? Did you have false starts too? Were you grossed out by all that tongue action? Was it perfect in every way? I don't want to be the only nostalgic sucker around here, tell me some stories.

26 March 2008

the collective

Jeremy and our friend H have decided to try and put on a dance night at a pub in Brixton with only themselves and other friends as Dee Jays. I have been offered a slot, I won't be scratching or doing any mash ups or any shit like that, but I will be aiming to move some feet. so far i know for a fact that I will play the following:

  1. Hazy Shade of Winter - The Bangles
  2. Know Your Chicken or Sci Fi Wasabi - Cibo Matto
  3. Mass Romantic, maybe Graceland too - New Pornographers
  4. Call the Doctor or I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone - Sleater Kinney
  5. Cannonball - Breeders
  6. Something by Arcade Fire (I can never rememebr the names of their songs)
  7. Hey Ya - Outkast (or Bombs Over Bagdhad is I can get my hands on that CD before the night (also don't tell me how overplayed Hey Ya is because I do not care, I love it and I am totally going to marry Andre 3000 someday so shut up!)
  8. I Miss you - Bjork
  9. Groove is in the Heart - Dee Lite (again if I can pick up the CD)
  10. Something from Odelay - Beck (i need to replace that cassette tape anyway, that's right I said cassette tape)
  11. Mandinka - Sinead O'Connor
  12. Never Said - Liz Phair
  13. The Whores Hustle and The Hustlers Whore - PJ Harvey

Now I'm drawing a blank, I need to go stare hard at my CD collection for a little while but I thought I'd open the floor to suggestions as well. I'd like to get a little more hip hop in there, but my personal selection in a little limited, I'd also like to play things that may not be so well known over here.

Oh crap i just realized that I need to get some Styx, then everyone will finally know why I came as Mr Roboto to the dress like a song party! I will be vindicated!

So yeah, what would you, dear reader(s) want to hear at your perfect dance party? Tell me, I need to know.

ETA 18:23 29 march 2008

can you even believe that i forgot to put any pixies in there? what the fuck is wrong with me? obviously either debaser or here comes your man belong on that list too

20 March 2008

Easter facts

  1. Not only are we on the cusp of Easter today, it is also the Iraninan New Year, Nowruz. My coworker Arta had to wake up at 5 AM this morning to wish her family, who are visiting London, a happy new year.
  2. When I was 4 my birthday was on Easter Sunday. It snowed, my grandma made me a special tunnel cake filled with chocolate pudding (she burned her first two tries and was very grouchy by the time the third was completed. Each ruined cake got thrown into the driveway which made the very cold birds in our neighborhood very happy.) I got a purple bike with a white plastic basket and training wheels.
  3. When I was 10 my birthday was on Easter Sunday again. My Mom made me a cake in the shape of the cross. I think that was the same year my brother got a cherry pie with soccer players for his birthday. Mom liked theme cakes.
  4. One year on Easter my dad hid an egg in the tube of one of our living room lamps. it was not discovered for at least 2 weeks, during which time Snuffy the cat received much abuse and many smell related accusations. Poor maligned Snuffy.
  5. We always used to go to sunrise service for Easter.
  6. My favorite Bible verse growing up came from Good Friday. You know, the bit when Jesus looks at the thief on the cross next to him and says "You too, shall be with me in Paradise." I think that's it anyhow. It's essentially what he said anyhow. At my most religious I always aspired to be like Jesus in that moment. Reaching out to sinners even in my most trying moments. Except my most trying moments generally involved my brother torturing my Cabbage Patch Kids (Elspeth Samantha who wanted to be a doctor took the brunt of his abuse, Sheila Adele, perhaps because she was a preemie, was often spared.) and seriously I did not want to see his face in Paradise. It was a trial. I still think the sentiment is good but I can't say for sure that I'd be able to carry through whilst nailed to a cross. If I were nailed to a cross I would probably just make a lot of swears and then pass out. (I looked it up on Wikipedia, "Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise (Luke 23:43)" that's pretty much what I said.)
  7. My friend Justin died in a motorcycle crash just before Palm Sunday1997. He was only 21. I remember going to my friend Danielle's a few days after hearing the news and her boyfriend Dan asked me sarcastically, "Hey Carolyn, have you been touched by the Holy Spirit today?" I said "No, not yet," and probably made a joke about inappropriate touching. It was one of the saddest Easters I can remember, I was drunk for a lot of it.
  8. I can't remember the last time I went to church for Easter Sunday. Probably when I was 18, maybe. It would have been at St Paul's Lutheran Church on West Water St in Port Huron, Mi. But that's just a guess.
  9. We always had ham and scalloped potatoes for Easter dinner at my house. the other sides always changed but those two dishes were a constant. The week after Easter my mom would make kumle, a Norwegian potato dumpling, boiled in broth made from the ham bone and the remaining bits of ham. You should eat kumle with lots of butter and salt, my grampa calls them ribstickers because they are so, well, sticky that they will stick to your ribs. This always seemed like a funnier statement when I was a kid, now I realise that it's just a statement of the obvious.
  10. My current employers give everyone a giant chocolate egg for Easter each year. This year I got one with Smarties, last year it came with 2 Mars bars.
  11. I always ate the head off my chocolate Easter bunny first when I was a kid, well ears first really, then head. Any other method is wrong and sinful. Jesus will not see you in Paradise if you eat the feet first. He told me so. It's the worst sin of all.

17 March 2008

scenes from a marriage (concept stolen from my friend stevie k)

Jeremy: What do you think about having a baby next year?
Carolyn: Wha-huh?
Jeremy: Because you know, we're not ready now, but I think next year we might be in a good place.
Carolyn: I um, well, maybe, we could, you know, talking about stuff like this freaks me out! (runs away like a frightened bunny).


A baby? A baby, I ask you, what iin the world would I do with a baby?

10 March 2008

Chair update

Because I know you're all wondering about the final results of Chair's ebay auction and especially because the Gancer claimed Chair would not sell at all. I am pleased to report thast after 22 bids Chair has sold for £84. Seriously, £84! Way to go Chair!

06 March 2008

overheard at the bus stop

Rasta man speaking to his elderly mother: Yeah but I don't have the power you have. You got a broom, Ma, you can fly!


03 March 2008

Ebay takes another little piece of my heart

We've put my chair on eBay. I know, I know, the chair is ugly as fuck. That green velvet is the color of spinach vomit, I know, okay! But I love that chair and giving the go ahead to put it up for sale was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. ETA 15 people are officially watching chair as of 13:32 GMT Tuesday 4th March. Can you believe it?

Chair Timeline
1989/90 - Parents Kohl plan garage sale and ask friends to participate in order to bulk up stock. Mrs F (Carolyn's former piano teacher and baker of remarkable brownies) donates ugly green chair, priced $40. Carolyn falls in love with chair immediately as chair espouses her developing fashion mantra perfectly. So ugly, it's beautiful. Carolyn begins long day of placing Snuffy the mangy cat with weeping eye puss onto the chair in order to discourage all buyers. By the end of the day Carolyn is $15 poorer but one chair richer.

1990 - 1995 - Chair is used as seating choice while writing SO much bad poetry and many impassioned journal entries. Chair acquires thick lair of cat hair despite sad death of Snuffy the cat. Digi the 19 lb panther cat is happy to take over.

1997 - Chair and Carolyn move to Detroit. Chair functions as excellent writing/smoking chair in two separate apartments

1999 - Chair and Carolyn move to Hamtramck. Chair and Jack Kerouac begin their relationship.

Jan 1999 - Chair, Carolyn and Jack Kerouac move to Las Vegas. Jack begins taking out the stress of move on the corner of Chair's right wing. Dill the shelter cat moves into apartment on Twain Ave. begins to take out stress of new home on chair's underside.

June 2000 - Chair, girl and cats rent UHaul and move to Roger's Park, Chicago. Chair is introduced to more cruel cats (Earplug and Prince Adam) but is moved out of bedroom and into the light of the living room.

August 2001 - Chair moves to Edgewater despite mocking words of new flatmate. Finds love with new kinder cats Foodlion and Isaac receives continued torture by Jack Kerouac and Dill.

September 2003 - Chair returns to Roger's Park. Chair suffers through continued feline abuse (return of Earplug, addition of Plan B the farty calico) and the beginning of much verbal abuse from one Dr Jeremy Opperer who has suddenly decided that Chair is ugly.

May 2004 - Marriage of Carolyn and Jeremy, Chair begins to fear.

January 2005 - Chair is packed into container unit and shipped over the ocean to London

February 2005 - Chair arrives in East Dulwich, London. Introduced first to safe and calm Jasper the cat and then to the much more demanding Oliver.

February 2007 - Chair moves to Nunhead, fear increases. A new stylistic regime has begun Dr. Jeremy 'Mid-Century Modern' Opperer has begun making hateful noises about chair.

March 2008 - Chair's worst fears are confirmed. Carolyn has given in, her love for Chair does not surpass her desire for a beautiful and sleek bedroom. Chair is listed on eBay. Sorrow.

Maybe no one will bid. Chair is an acquired taste after all.