High School Memory

At the end of my senior year in high school I remember going to my first commencement rehearsal (seniors got out of school about 3 weeks earlier than everyone else but still had to attend rehearsals 3 times a week, if you missed a rehearsal you couldn't march. The Commencememt Ceremony at PHHS was big business).

Anyhow they sat us all down in our assigned seats and I found myself in the first row between the class Vice President and the student president of SADD as a faculty member explained that the first two rows were populated by class officers and students who held positions in clubs and organisations in the school.
I looked at the VP and SADD girl and said out loud, "Well the what the fuck am I doing up here?"
The VP looked at me and said, "Carolyn, you're the editor of the school newspaper."
My response to her was, "That counts?" I was shocked, seriously shocked, that anything I was responsible for could count enough to put me in the front row.

And I know now, knew then even, that getting to sit in the front row at commencement is not such a big deal in the grand scheme, but that's not the point. I remembered this today and then sort of looked over the last 12 years of my life in a quick mental slide show and realised just how much I don't value a lot of the good things I've done. I brush them off as being silly or unimportant because they are only steps and not the final goal.

Examples:

• I won a creative writing scholarship when I was 20, but always make light of it because it was only for $500. It was still $500 freaking dollars!
• I was one of the main organisers of not one but two Arts Fairs back in Port Huron, but it was just Port Huron, right, so it doesn't really count.
• I've been managing this stupid department for the last year and even though I've been killing myself to make everything work and keep the whole thing from destructing I still mock it at every chance because it's not really where I ever envisioned myself

I avoid giving myself credit for my accomplishments because they aren't the final result. And that's stupid. I'm undermining myself and making it harder to focus on any sort of final result by mocking everything I do achieve because it isn't a published novel sitting in a book store window.

That's lame and I should quit it.