the rock and the roll or apologies

We saw The Arcade Fire last night and it was an awesome show.

They've got French Horns and a hurdy-gurdy in that band, among many other instruments. My best friend in high school played the French Horn and she always bemoaned the lack of melodies provided for her in high school band music. Except for the music for the theme song from Shaft

(yes, it was part of our field show during football season and yes it did just showcase exactly how white all but about 5 members of the marching band were but so the fuck what, it was the theme song from Shaft! At least we weren't trying to get away with Smells Like Teen Spirit like Northern did, now that was bad news. I'm pretty sure Kurt Cobain rolled a few times in his grave over that one. Whereas, Richard Roundtree would have been totally behind us if he had known! Enough about the politics of high school marching band music)

the French Horns were heavily featured in the theme song from Shaft.

Anyhow, this best friend and I got into a huge fight during our first year of college and we no longer speak. If we see each other around we'll say hi but not much else. We even lived in Chicago at t.e same time and never looked each other up. Never hung out. never did anything. The cut was too deep.

So watching the French Horns during the show last night I found myself thinking about that fight. I won't go into the details here, suffice to say I was in a bad place and took offense at an offhanded comment she made and I totally 100% lost it. I blew up and over reacted and then couldn't see past it. We spoke about it a year later and I insisted that she was just as much to blame as me. I was wrong and still hurt and being stupid. In the last year I found the emails that caused the whole thing and saw how fucking horrible I'd been. I burned them because I never wanted to find them again. I never wanted to bump into proof of how horrible I was at 18 ever again. But I know, I was a total brat when I was 18, who wasn't?

But I was thinking about it all again last night and as they played the song Rebellion (Lies) all I could think about was how sorry I was. Actually I was thinking a small half poem:

French Horns at a pop concert
we never would have imagined it.
I'm so sorry.

So, yeah, Heidi Petersen, former best friend of Carolyn Kohl, if you ever google yourself and you find this, I just want to say I am sorry. I fucked up and it only took me 11 years to figure it out. I don't expect you to care anymore, I know not everyone is as nostalgic and mired in the past as I am, but I know I was a dick and all I can say is that I've learned to step back since then and I've gotten a lot better at directing my anger in the right direction. I just had a lot to learn about letting it out then, still do probably, but that's not the point. The point is, I'm sorry I if what I said all those years ago hurt you and I wish more than anything that I had never said it. I wish I had thought it through, I wish I hadn't torn our friendship apart like that. I was wrong. I'm sorry.