m stands for monday and melancholy

tired and achey and achey and tired
that's how i feel. not much point in elaborating.

last week this girl i went to high school with sent me a message on myspace to ask how i was doing and to see how my former best friend was doing.

this girl and i never got along in high school, largely because i took her place as best friend to the aforememntioned former best friend. i suppose that means we could start a former best friend club. this girl, woman really, lives in las vegas now, she's going to be a teacher. so she used that as the intro for the message, sort of like hey we have both lived in vegas neat. do you still speak with -----? let her know i said hi.

and for some reason i felt obligated to write back to this woman i don't even like with the truth.

yes i did live in vegas, i didn't like it. i hope it is treating you well though. sorry, but ----- and i haven't spoken since 1997 but i think she lives in chicago now. best of luck to you, carolyn

not surprisingly i haven't heard back from her. it always give me a shake when people i haven't seen or heard from in a long time ask me how ----- is. i feel like an 18 year old asshole all over again for picking the fight that broke up our friendship and then i get frustrated with her all over again for not being able to see through all the hurt and sadness i was feeling. not really a fair reaction i know, but it was a really irrational time and i still hold on to a lot of those base emotions.

i'm okay with the fact that we aren't friends anymore and i accept the fact that it was largely my fault, probably 85%, because i flew off the handle about an offhand comment she made about my recent break up with a boy she'd never approved of. there was a lot of history as well. of course. too much that is too tangled to go into.

i have written two letters trying to patch things, one was never answered and one was returned as she was no longer at that address. after a mutal friend died i invited her and another mutual friend out for drinks but they already had plans. and then one horrible night in denny's a couple of friends tried to get us to talk but it ended really badly. and that was it. we've said hi in passing, but there is nothing remaining. if i could say anything to her it would just be that i am sorry. but i have used up all my chances and i was never able to say it the right way. now ten years later when i am ready and able, it is far too late.

i mourn the loss of our friendship (imperfect as it was) far more than any botched romantic involvement before or since. when i think of the relationship whose end triggered that final blowout my one true regret has nothing to do with him. it has to do with the fallout that cost me her.